Phoenix Jones - Seattle's Champion

Okay, so apparently, I am not as connected to the world of super-heroics as a comic book nut should be. This is because I am just now learning about a large group of people across North America who dress up in costumes and, well, fight crime.

Here's the story from a recent news broadcast that clued me in on one Phoenix Jones, a crime fighter in Lynwood, Washington:






Now my first thought after viewing this was that Mr. Jones was soon to be the subject of a major fucking beat-down. But I also thought that this was sort of cool, albeit in a completely deranged and misguided way.



But a little research revealed that not only is Phoenix Jones not the only person to do this, he isn't even the only person in the Seattle area. There's a blog called Heroes in the Night that actually follows the activities of some of these people. And it's a little unsettling.



Look, most of these people seem to be motivated by some pretty noble intentions; a sense of civic duty and concern for their community, a deep moral conviction, a proactive response to apathy. But they are using a set of guidelines that are based wholly in a fantasy world, and that may not be entirely healthy. I don't mean that they're mentally unwell, though some may certainly be. I mean that intervening in criminal activity with nothing more that a mask, some martial arts classes and a taser will probably get you fucked up. This is why cops have guns, body armor and training, because a crack addict breaking into a car will absolutely slash your face with a razor.



Anyway, here's an interview with Phoenix Jones that is both insane and strangely inspiring.

A Halloween Treat - Zombie vs. Shark

Halloween is upon us, and I for one recommend spending it with a good scary movie!!!

If you like creepy-crawly gross outs, I recommend The Thing (the John Carpenter version). If it's high-art scares you like, may I recommend The Shining or The Exorcist? And if you like low-budget under the radar spookiness I have always been a big fan of a little flick called Session 9.

But if Zombies are your thing and you haven't seen Fulci's Zombi 2 (or under it's one of many other titles) then you are missing one of the greatest scenes ever:

Happy Halloween!

Sci-Fi Tech that Will Kill Us All (9) : Petman

God damn you, Boston Dynamics. As you may recall, I called this robotics company out as my nemesis not too long ago, and they have responded to my taunts with a whole new level of escalation. Take a look at the Petman:

Oh, you bastards, you're halfway to a Terminator. Here's what this seemingly "innocent" company has to say about the Petman:

PETMAN is an anthropomorphic robot for testing chemical protection clothing used by the US Army. Unlike previous suit testers, which had to be supported mechanically and had a limited repertoire of motion, PETMAN will balance itself and move freely; walking, crawling and doing a variety of suit-stressing calisthenics during exposure to chemical warfare agents. PETMAN will also simulate human physiology within the protective suit by controlling temperature, humidity and sweating when necessary, all to provide realistic test conditions.

Natural, agile movement is essential for PETMAN to simulate how a soldier stresses protective clothing under realistic conditions. The robot will have the shape and size of a standard human, making it the first anthropomorphic robot that moves dynamically like a real person.

I love how they refuse to admit that it's this realistic movement that utterly creeps the hell out of people. And please, for the love of god, stop kicking these things! Machines don't forget!

But, I've been assured by the president of Boston Dynamics that there is no sinister intent in their robotic designs, and that my fears are simple, treatable, neuroses.

Boston Dynamics President Lex Luthor

This Just In: GAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

So, I'm trolling the interwebs, minding my own biznizz, and I come across this:



JESUS CHRISTOS! What the fuck was that? Why would you do that? Look, I'm not sure what the fuck is going on in Asia, but you all need to stop making robots do this kind of shit. Stop it.

Brrrrrr, I won't be sleeping tonight.

Sci Fi Tech That Will Kill Us All (6)

Meet the Big Dog Robot. This little fella is being developed by the US Army as a sort of robotic pack mule. The idea is that this thing would be able to transport supplies in areas where the terrain is too difficult for conventional vehicles, but too dangerous to just give some guys some backpacks.

According to this article in the NY Daily News, the military has funded the development of this thing, and there's a video below that shows just how creepy its movements are. Seriously. This thing looks alive, and it creeps me the fuck out.

Peter Singer is an author and expert on the use of cutting edge tech in the military and while he says the noise of the Big Dog is a drawback, he also points out that this is just the prototype. Which I guess means later versions will be terrifyingly silent. Like robotic ninja mules. Strap a rail gun to this thing and it could be a bad guy in Halo.

Singer also had this to say:

"You're seeing this big sea change (in the use of robots)," Singer said. "Even though we're using them more and more, it doesn't mean that we are replacing humans."

War is a human story," he said.

Obviously he has not seen any of the Terminator films. Check out this vid (Yeah you can kick that thing now, but do you think it'll forget that? Nope, robots have long memories, and that dude will be the first to get fried when they take over):

Sci-Fi Tech That Will Kill Us All (3)

This terrifying installment comes to me courtesy of one of my oldest friends, whom I shall call Newman, and is incredibly freaky.


The CTO of Intel, Justin Rattner, delivered the keynote address at last week's Intel Developer Forum. During the address, he talked about the possibilty of creating intelligent robots capable of changing their shape.

Intel is creating fucking Transformers. And while I hope that that they will be as wise and cool as Optimus Prime, let's face it, they'll probably be as evil as Megatron. Or as annoying as Starscream.


From the address:


What if those machines had a small amount of intelligence, and they could assemble themselves into various shapes and were capable of movement or locomotion? If you had enough of them, you could create arbitrary shapes and have the assembly of machines that could take on any form and move in arbitrary ways.


The article goes on to mention that that these robots would be about the size of gain of sand. So picture this:

But tiny and capable of hiding in your nooks and crannies.

Justin Rattner, you are a bad haircut, a lame accent and a cat away from becoming a James Bond villain.

Sci-Fi Tech That Will Kill Us All (2)

Meet Heart Robot, the creepiest new addition to the ever growing race of robots that will one day overthrow our society and enslave us.

The Age has the full article, but here's their quick description of the little tyke:

Heart Robot has a beating heart, a breathing stomach and sensors that respond to movement, noise and touch. Cuddle him and he seems to soak up the affection. His limbs become limp, his eyelids lower, his breathing relaxes and his heartbeat slows. But if given a violent shake or shouted at, he gets upset. He flinches, his fists clench, his breathing and heart rate speed up and his eyes widen.

And if given a command by his robotic overlords, he will throttle you in your sleep. Seriously, who looks at this thing and thinks, "Just what I've always wanted, the needy skeleton of an infant"? But if you've always wanted to cuddle a character from The Nightmare Before Christmas, this is for you. Just picture this: an army of these little guys, silently marching down your street. Less cute now, huh?

Robots. The only thing worse than Zombies.