Less Than Meets The Eye

In the past, I have railed against the Transformers movie franchise. I freely admit that I have hated each and every installment. Before any fans accuse me of being an elitist snob with pretentious film tastes, I have to say nothing can be further from the truth. I like big summer tent pole extravaganzas. I like films that aspire to be a great time at the movies, nothing more. And I've liked Michael Bay films. I don't think that he's the end of films as we know it. I don't think he signifies all that's wrong with American films in and of himself. I liked Bad Boys, The Rock, and Armageddon. They were all solid action blockbusters; not deep by any means, but they delivered on the promise of some thrills and explosions and fun. I even thought The Island, while bad, was kind of trashy fun with a neat concept at its core.

But the Transformers franchise is the Anti-Christ, and it must be stopped. Seriously. It's not because these films are thinly disguised toy commercials. And it's not because these films are basically about giant robots fighting each other. I love the idea of giant robots fighting each other. I loved it in the 1980s, when I couldn't get enough Transformers. I love it now. And I have to admit that, by and large, the franchise of films does deliver on the promise of giant robots fighting each other. No, there are different reasons why I believe the movies are actually bad for you.

I've posted before on how much I loathe this franchise. And I held off watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen for about as long as I could. I saw it about six months ago. And it didn't let me down at all. It was just as big a mess as I thought it was going to be. Casually racist, blindingly misogynistic, and totally incoherent. Not all of that was Bay's fault; the script was god-awful. But the little touches that were undoubtedly his were among the most aggravating. That awful Stepin Fecthit pair of Autobots may not have been his idea, but the tiny transformer that humps Megan Fox's leg probably was. Worst of all, his visual style and quick cuts made the action scenes so cluttered that any clear picture of what was going on was almost impossible. The screen simply became filled with metal crashing into metal, with bad guys and good guys indistinguishable from each other.

I don't care if you're voiced by Nimoy, you still suck.

With the third film, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I honestly wiped the slate clean. The trailer was really strong, and it looked as if he was really going to pull out all the stops, and so I went in with an open mind. And it was an improvement, notably in the way it handled the action. The battles were no longer an indecipherable mess, but were clearly and efficiently directed, with Bay's skilled deftness with such set pieces seemingly back to the level of his earlier films. The major final battle in a decimated and war-torn Chicago is really a sight to see. Every single cent spent on visual and practical effects are up there on the screen, showing you things that you can honestly say are thrilling and bold.

The story is also better, or at least, almost coherent. Certainly it makes more sense than any of the previous films. There's a great little prologue involving the Moon Missions of the 1960s, and Shia LaBoeuf gets an interesting character arc at the beginning of the film; how does a guy who's saved the planet twicedeal with being seen by pretty much everyone around him as slacker doofus and not explode from frustration? It allowed for some interesting scenes for him to play. And LaBoeuf really does act his heart out.

But, that's where the good things end. There's still the same rampant misogyny, which is really getting tiring. Bay infamously fired Megan Fox after she made a few disparaging remarks about the guy, and replaced her with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, a model who is not an improvement in any way. In fact, I thought she was a robot herself due to her complete inability to express any emotion whatsoever. I thought he might have corrected his treatment of women in films by hiring the astounding Frances McDormand, but she provides nothing aside from a slight obstacle, and her government agent character is not only set up as a jerk, but she also needs to get her butt saved by John Turturro's embarrassing caricature. Bay also manages to sneak a joke in about the Japanese and how those crazy people make strange machines like photocopiers! Awesome.

Remember how much you loved this guy? Yeah, he's nowhere near this movie.

The story completely sabotages its own hero, transforming Optuimus Prime from the wise noble warrior of the first two films into a merciless engine of destruction in this film's final act. There's also (and SPOILER WARNING here until the new paragraph) a part of the story where Prime and the autobots pretend to be dead until after Chicago is razed and thousands are dead because "your leaders had to learn" some sort of lesson about....well...giving in to giant robots, I guess. Well, thanks for letting thousands of people die, Optimus Prick, hadn't you sworn to protect us in the last two movies? Awesome object lesson, big guy. Where'd you learn that from, George Bluth?

In the final analysis, this film suffers from the same problems that both the earlier installments suffered from, namely laziness and a lack of heart. The effects and the action set pieces are not treated this way, but the story and the characters most certainly are. People don't behave consistently, and caricatures are placed right next to so-called actual characters that we're supposed to care about. The action, as well done as it is, is also pretty intense for a film series that is designed to appeal to 11 year old boys. More than one good guy coldly tells various bad guys, "I'm going to kill you". I'm not saying that PG action films can't be that intense, but they have to earn that level, and Transformers doesn't. It's a toy commercial, and its tone is so all over the place that when it does go to the dark place, it feels woefully inappropriate rather than an earned escalation.

Again, I feel this is different than other bad movies, say like Green Lantern. Green Lantern understands its audience, and tried to make a film for them, they just made mistakes that led to a bad film. Transformers: Dark of the Moon thinks its a great film, and makes choices that seems to say, "They're going to come see it, so we don't have to care that much about story or the characters, we can just throw anything we want in there as long as it ends with a giant robot battle." That's crass, and the epitome of soulless marketing.

It has made a huge amount of money, so I'm guessing Transformers will be back. Here's hoping Bay has had enough and feels the need to move on, because a fresh mind may still be able to give us the gooey robot centre, without wrapping it up in all that soullessness.

Sci-Fi Tech That Will Kill Us All (11) : The BEAR

Meet Vecna Robotics' Battlefield Extraction-Assist Robot, or BEAR. I'm going to let the video speak for itself, but as an intro, here's what BEAR's severely misguided creators have to say about their flagship product:

Designed to locate, lift and rescue people in harm's way, the humanoid BEAR can do what humans can't: lift heavy loads and carry them long distances. Whether on a battlefield, in a mine shaft, near a toxic chemical spill, or inside a structurally-compromised building after an earthquake, the BEAR can rescue those in need without risking additional human life.

The BEAR combines the versatility of tank-like tracks, and powerful hydraulics to do all sorts of pretty terrifying things, as seen below:





Yeah, watching it smash through glass, lift barbells and drag clearly unconscious human bodies is creepy enough, but then, HOLY FUCK, DID IT JUST TRANSFORM? It clearly transformed and rolled out there at 0:33. I think we just found the leader of the robot army that society has foolishly been building.

Sci-fi Tech that Will Kill Us All (10): Quadricopters

In my continuing series of warnings about technology that will lead to a dystopian nightmare of a future, may I present the quadricopter? At first glance, these little guys don't seem all that menacing. I mean, they're just little remote-controlled helicopters, right? yeah, little helicopters that can sneak through your window and stab you in your sleep! Look below:



What? That's not terrifying enough? Okay, this shows them cooperating to pick up objects and carry them off. Things like bodies:



So, how long before we see these pop up in a movie as a deadly little killing machines? Maybe Gene Simmons will use them to kill people, forcing us to rely only on Tom Selleck, and possibly a thin, hot, Kirstie Alley.

Sci-Fi Tech that Will Kill Us All (9) : Petman

God damn you, Boston Dynamics. As you may recall, I called this robotics company out as my nemesis not too long ago, and they have responded to my taunts with a whole new level of escalation. Take a look at the Petman:

Oh, you bastards, you're halfway to a Terminator. Here's what this seemingly "innocent" company has to say about the Petman:

PETMAN is an anthropomorphic robot for testing chemical protection clothing used by the US Army. Unlike previous suit testers, which had to be supported mechanically and had a limited repertoire of motion, PETMAN will balance itself and move freely; walking, crawling and doing a variety of suit-stressing calisthenics during exposure to chemical warfare agents. PETMAN will also simulate human physiology within the protective suit by controlling temperature, humidity and sweating when necessary, all to provide realistic test conditions.

Natural, agile movement is essential for PETMAN to simulate how a soldier stresses protective clothing under realistic conditions. The robot will have the shape and size of a standard human, making it the first anthropomorphic robot that moves dynamically like a real person.

I love how they refuse to admit that it's this realistic movement that utterly creeps the hell out of people. And please, for the love of god, stop kicking these things! Machines don't forget!

But, I've been assured by the president of Boston Dynamics that there is no sinister intent in their robotic designs, and that my fears are simple, treatable, neuroses.

Boston Dynamics President Lex Luthor

I have found my Nemesis....es. Nemeses?

So, remember back when I warned the rest of mankind about the existence of the Big Dog robot? Since then, I have heard from a number of people about how damn creepy that thing is, so I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Well, it turns out that I can now give a name to the main instigators of my robo-phobia, and that name is Boston Dynamics. They're the company that makes the Big Dog, and it turns out, they also make a wide variety of deeply unsettling robots that seem to have only creepy and/or military applications.

Here's a selection of some of their insectoid marauders. First, let's start with the Little Dog, which is just like it's bigger brother, except it's nearly silent, smaller and doesn't even have the cover story of acting as a "pack mule":

Next we have the RiSE. Now, I'll admit, this one is not the most terrifying specimen, but it does look like a fucking spider, and spiders are universally despised and feared, so, good design call:

Next comes the RHex, which is, to me, second only to the Big Dog for sheer creepiness. This thing can survive seemingly any impact, and it absolutely will not stop. Add, "until you are dead" to that last sentence and you've pretty much got Reese's speech to Sarah Connor in The Terminator. By the way, the most terrifying part comes when the thing goes into the water.......and fucking swims:

Yeah, and finally we've got a little thing called the SquishBot. This is the thing they're working on right now, so while it sounds like the most horrifying thing in the history of robotics, you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that it only exists.......in theory. Here's how Boston Dynamics describes the little fella:

SquishBot is a program to develop a new class of soft, shape-changing robot. The goal is to design systems that can transform themselves from hard to soft and from soft to hard, upon command. Another goal is to create systems that change their critical dimensions by large amounts, as much as 10x. Such robots will be like soft animals that can squeeze themselves through small openings and into tight places.

Tight places. Tight places. That is one fucking ominous turn of phrase. Picture this thing squeezing itself into your small openings and...tight places. Here's what it looks like:

All right, first off, that looks like the kind of robot that would pop up in a David Cronenberg movie. And not his later ones, like A History of Violence. Nope, I'm talking his Videodrome, Long Live the New Flesh period.





I would not be surprises if the next thing these guys come out with is a M.O.D.O.K.

Sci-Fi Tech That Will Kill Us All (8)

Okay, I realize that this feature has basically devolved into a showcase for my raging robophobia, but I feel it's important to warn the world about the imminent robotic takeover.

What? IT'S IN REVELATIONS, PEOPLE!!!!!

Whoo. Okay.

So, over at a site called BotJunkie (shudder), they're reporting on a new development in swarm robotics, which is a horrifying philosophy that says robots should be made simpler and smaller and cooperate to complete tasks.

Here's how they describe what are basically robotic ants crawling all over your house:

These tiny (4 millimeters on a side) robots are members of the I-SWARM project, which stands for Intelligent Small-World Autonomous Robots for Micro-manipulation. Each robot is simple, with three legs and a little poker to manipulate stuff with. They’re designed to work in large, cheap, mass producible, replaceable groups doing things that insects would be good at… Surveillance, obviously, but they could also do things like clean your house by taking care of one bit of dust each.

Imagine these little bastards climbing up your pants leg and using their little poker to manipulate your "little poker". Gahhh! That'll keep me up nights.

This Just In: GAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

So, I'm trolling the interwebs, minding my own biznizz, and I come across this:



JESUS CHRISTOS! What the fuck was that? Why would you do that? Look, I'm not sure what the fuck is going on in Asia, but you all need to stop making robots do this kind of shit. Stop it.

Brrrrrr, I won't be sleeping tonight.

Sci-Fi Tech That Will Kill Us All (7)

Several news agencies are reporting on this event that occurred over the weekend, but not enough are trumpeting it as the first warning sign of an imminent cyber-apocalypse. And like most thing associated with robots and insane creepiness, it comes from Japan.

On Monday, three people were seen walking through the Tokyo streets to a robotics convention......with robot legs!

Here's how the article describes the scene:

Two men and a woman, wearing what looked like white plastic exoskeletons over black outfits, were testing -- at a pace of 1.8 kilometres (1.1 miles) an hour -- robotic suits designed to give mobility to the injured and disabled.

Look, I'm all for helping give mobility to the injured and/or the disabled. But that's how these things start. First of all, you know what these robotic legs are called? They're called a Hybrid Assistive Limb, or, you guessed it, HAL, for short. They named this after the most notable and well-spoken artificially intelligent villain in film history. But what do you expect from a company called Cyberdyne. Yep, the Japanese company is called Cyberdyne. Sound familiar? They also made this:

They named their frickin' company after the one that made the Terminators! And they make robots!!! Tempting fate. Tempting fate.

By the way, a robotics convention? That place would scare me more than a spider convention. Who attends a robotics convention, anyway?

Image Search: Robots of the 50s

Yet another in my series the results of random Google image searches. Today's phrase was Robots of the 50s, so be prepared for cool looking robos accompanied by my irrational suspicion of all things robotic.

Here's the results:

Awesome. Just awesome. This succeeds in being nostalgic and fetishistic all at the same time. Granted, a real-life robot would probably be coldly calculating whether or not to serve the pretty female.....or destroy her.

Look, I know robots are designed to be physically stonger than us, but there's no need to make them anatomically superior to man as well! And seriously, does the thing need to be rocket powered? Oh......wait....he's supposed to be in a rocketcar? Ohhhhhhhhh. 'Cause it looks like that's his....okay, moving on.

While these may be the most simplistic robot costumes ever built (they're made of cardboard, for the love of Mike), they are so retro awesome I had to include them. They remind me of the Ghostbusters proton pack my dad made for me one Halloween that was comprised of an empty Old Dutch potato chips box, some yellow nylon rope, a cardboard tube and lots of black electrical tape. I loved that thing.

Nuclear power is our friend, kiddies! Duck and cover!

That's right! Robots are evil! And they need Las Vegas showgirls! It's in Revelations, people!

Sci-Fi Tech That Will Kill Us All (2)

Meet Heart Robot, the creepiest new addition to the ever growing race of robots that will one day overthrow our society and enslave us.

The Age has the full article, but here's their quick description of the little tyke:

Heart Robot has a beating heart, a breathing stomach and sensors that respond to movement, noise and touch. Cuddle him and he seems to soak up the affection. His limbs become limp, his eyelids lower, his breathing relaxes and his heartbeat slows. But if given a violent shake or shouted at, he gets upset. He flinches, his fists clench, his breathing and heart rate speed up and his eyes widen.

And if given a command by his robotic overlords, he will throttle you in your sleep. Seriously, who looks at this thing and thinks, "Just what I've always wanted, the needy skeleton of an infant"? But if you've always wanted to cuddle a character from The Nightmare Before Christmas, this is for you. Just picture this: an army of these little guys, silently marching down your street. Less cute now, huh?

Robots. The only thing worse than Zombies.