Less Than Meets The Eye

In the past, I have railed against the Transformers movie franchise. I freely admit that I have hated each and every installment. Before any fans accuse me of being an elitist snob with pretentious film tastes, I have to say nothing can be further from the truth. I like big summer tent pole extravaganzas. I like films that aspire to be a great time at the movies, nothing more. And I've liked Michael Bay films. I don't think that he's the end of films as we know it. I don't think he signifies all that's wrong with American films in and of himself. I liked Bad Boys, The Rock, and Armageddon. They were all solid action blockbusters; not deep by any means, but they delivered on the promise of some thrills and explosions and fun. I even thought The Island, while bad, was kind of trashy fun with a neat concept at its core.

But the Transformers franchise is the Anti-Christ, and it must be stopped. Seriously. It's not because these films are thinly disguised toy commercials. And it's not because these films are basically about giant robots fighting each other. I love the idea of giant robots fighting each other. I loved it in the 1980s, when I couldn't get enough Transformers. I love it now. And I have to admit that, by and large, the franchise of films does deliver on the promise of giant robots fighting each other. No, there are different reasons why I believe the movies are actually bad for you.

I've posted before on how much I loathe this franchise. And I held off watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen for about as long as I could. I saw it about six months ago. And it didn't let me down at all. It was just as big a mess as I thought it was going to be. Casually racist, blindingly misogynistic, and totally incoherent. Not all of that was Bay's fault; the script was god-awful. But the little touches that were undoubtedly his were among the most aggravating. That awful Stepin Fecthit pair of Autobots may not have been his idea, but the tiny transformer that humps Megan Fox's leg probably was. Worst of all, his visual style and quick cuts made the action scenes so cluttered that any clear picture of what was going on was almost impossible. The screen simply became filled with metal crashing into metal, with bad guys and good guys indistinguishable from each other.

I don't care if you're voiced by Nimoy, you still suck.

With the third film, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I honestly wiped the slate clean. The trailer was really strong, and it looked as if he was really going to pull out all the stops, and so I went in with an open mind. And it was an improvement, notably in the way it handled the action. The battles were no longer an indecipherable mess, but were clearly and efficiently directed, with Bay's skilled deftness with such set pieces seemingly back to the level of his earlier films. The major final battle in a decimated and war-torn Chicago is really a sight to see. Every single cent spent on visual and practical effects are up there on the screen, showing you things that you can honestly say are thrilling and bold.

The story is also better, or at least, almost coherent. Certainly it makes more sense than any of the previous films. There's a great little prologue involving the Moon Missions of the 1960s, and Shia LaBoeuf gets an interesting character arc at the beginning of the film; how does a guy who's saved the planet twicedeal with being seen by pretty much everyone around him as slacker doofus and not explode from frustration? It allowed for some interesting scenes for him to play. And LaBoeuf really does act his heart out.

But, that's where the good things end. There's still the same rampant misogyny, which is really getting tiring. Bay infamously fired Megan Fox after she made a few disparaging remarks about the guy, and replaced her with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, a model who is not an improvement in any way. In fact, I thought she was a robot herself due to her complete inability to express any emotion whatsoever. I thought he might have corrected his treatment of women in films by hiring the astounding Frances McDormand, but she provides nothing aside from a slight obstacle, and her government agent character is not only set up as a jerk, but she also needs to get her butt saved by John Turturro's embarrassing caricature. Bay also manages to sneak a joke in about the Japanese and how those crazy people make strange machines like photocopiers! Awesome.

Remember how much you loved this guy? Yeah, he's nowhere near this movie.

The story completely sabotages its own hero, transforming Optuimus Prime from the wise noble warrior of the first two films into a merciless engine of destruction in this film's final act. There's also (and SPOILER WARNING here until the new paragraph) a part of the story where Prime and the autobots pretend to be dead until after Chicago is razed and thousands are dead because "your leaders had to learn" some sort of lesson about....well...giving in to giant robots, I guess. Well, thanks for letting thousands of people die, Optimus Prick, hadn't you sworn to protect us in the last two movies? Awesome object lesson, big guy. Where'd you learn that from, George Bluth?

In the final analysis, this film suffers from the same problems that both the earlier installments suffered from, namely laziness and a lack of heart. The effects and the action set pieces are not treated this way, but the story and the characters most certainly are. People don't behave consistently, and caricatures are placed right next to so-called actual characters that we're supposed to care about. The action, as well done as it is, is also pretty intense for a film series that is designed to appeal to 11 year old boys. More than one good guy coldly tells various bad guys, "I'm going to kill you". I'm not saying that PG action films can't be that intense, but they have to earn that level, and Transformers doesn't. It's a toy commercial, and its tone is so all over the place that when it does go to the dark place, it feels woefully inappropriate rather than an earned escalation.

Again, I feel this is different than other bad movies, say like Green Lantern. Green Lantern understands its audience, and tried to make a film for them, they just made mistakes that led to a bad film. Transformers: Dark of the Moon thinks its a great film, and makes choices that seems to say, "They're going to come see it, so we don't have to care that much about story or the characters, we can just throw anything we want in there as long as it ends with a giant robot battle." That's crass, and the epitome of soulless marketing.

It has made a huge amount of money, so I'm guessing Transformers will be back. Here's hoping Bay has had enough and feels the need to move on, because a fresh mind may still be able to give us the gooey robot centre, without wrapping it up in all that soullessness.

Explosions! Shooting! Punches! DeNiro! Facial Hair!

Wow, okay, the trailer for Killer Elite has come out. Now, from what I can decipher from this trailer, Jason Statham is a Killer, being hunted by a mustachioed Clive Owen (also a Killer). To up the ante into "aw no, you di-in-n't" territory, Owen kindaps Robert DeNiro (Statham's father figure. Oh yeah, also a Killer).

There are so much balls in this trailer that women may become pregnant simply by watching it. The only way this film could be more manly is if someone opens a closet during the film and the corpses of Lee Marvin and Steve McQueen fall out, shooting rocket launchers. Check out the manliness below:



The best part is when they show Statham, tied to a chair, leaping out a third story window in slow-mo, and then flash the title card, "Based on a True Story". That actually had me laughing out loud.

Still, it does look like it would be a good time at the movies. It's just so over the top insane that it might be a blast to watch. Also, it makes me sad for Clive Owen. Remember when he was a big-time Oscar nominated super-star? Closer? Children of Men? The many thought was perfect for James Bond? Someone should introduce him to the concept of saying no to things like Shoot Em Up. Then maybe he wouldn't have to do movies where he's second fiddle to our generation's Jean Claude Van Damme and forced to grow a hideous perv 'stache.

5 Ways They Could Have Made "Green Lantern" Not Suck

There is no way on Earth Green Lantern should get worse reviews than Mr. Popper's Penguins. How in the name of Ganthet did that happen? And yet, this is the case. And having seen Green Lantern this weekend, I can say, that the reviews were mostly spot on. Ryan Reynolds was far and away the best thing of the film; his Hal Jordan was cocky, funny and spot on, tonally. The direction and effects were solid, as well, with a couple minor oddities. The place where it mainly fell apart was the story. So, I've got a bit of a dissection of the mistakes that were made, along with some suggestions as to how they could have avoided the narrative pitfalls they eagerly leapt into.

1 - How is Green Lantern Different - This is actually a good question for anyone writing a story. How is my antagonist different from others? They totally screwed that up here. Green Lantern is the story of a guy who becomes an intergalactic space cop. Taking the super hero concept and transplanting it in to outer space takes it into a fresh new world. The film makers seemed unsure of taking the story to space, spending an absolute minimum amount of time on Oa, but those moments are by far the most interesting parts of the film. A space-set super hero story is something we have never seen before, and the freshness of that would have made the origin story less familiar than what was presented. The alien supporting cast, such as Tomar Re and Kilowog, are reduced to the barest sketches of characters, with only Sinestro being explored fully. Instead, we got a ton of time on Earth, with Hal Jordan struggling with taking on the role of a space cop. Which leads us to our next problem:

2 - Hal Jordan is not Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker - There's a whole bunch of time spent with Hal brooding over his father's death, and the fact that a GL is supposed to be fearless,and yet Hal has all this fear inside him. You know what's great about Hal? He is a cocky guy who loves his life, loves flying jets and banging chicks. He has no fear. THAT'S WHY THE RING CHOSE HIM.

Avengers Sort-of Assembled!

Over at Aint It Cool, they've got a scoop from The Licensing International Expo in Vegas that shows some early promo art for Marvel's Avengers film, due to be released in 2012.

To be clear, this is early promote art to attract potential merchandisers, not final finished art from the film, so let's not ascribe too much importance here. The cool thing to note is Captain America's revised "modern age" costume, as well as a potential Hawkeye suit, and the presence of a certain Incredible Behemoth. Check it out:

Okay, to me, this is just cool. If I has seen this picture when I was nine, I probably would have lost my fuckin' mind. Now, we just have to see some footage.

Pure Awesome

Ladies and Gentlemen, the greatest beer commercial of all time....



Don't you wish they sold that beer here in Canadia?

"First Class" is First Rate

Okay, so I'm not all that used to eating crow here at The Nerd Report. Nerds never admit when they're wrong. But a while back you might recall that I posted about X-Men First Class and how I couldn't really get my head around some of the continuity gymnastics the film presented.  I'm sure many of you fully expected me to not see the film in protest, as nerds are wont to claim.

But hey, this is the Interwebs, where no one has to back up their principles with action! So, I went. And you know what? The movie is great. Before I went into the film, I pretty much thought the X-Franchise was dead. The third X-Men film was a colossal disappointment after the sustained excellence of the first two films. X-Men Origins: Wolverine was almost diabolically bad, and the idea of a Deadpool spin-off (a comic character that I think has absolutely zero mainstream interest attached to him) left me beyond cold. I was excited about a Wolverine film based on the classic badass Claremont/Miller miniseries and directed by Darren Aronofsky. But when Aronofsky had to leave the project, I really thought that the whole X-Franchise had run its course.

So when X-Men First Class was announced and in the run-up to release, I saw it as 20th Century Fox's attempt to squeeze a little more money out of a cash cow while holding on to the film rights that I'm sure Marvel Studios would love to snatch back. The whole mismatch of continuity (some of which directly contradicts the other films, let alone the comics) seemed arbitrary and while I liked the casting and the choice of director, the whole thing felt like the latest Pirates of the Caribbean flick; calculated, gluttonous and without any heart whatsoever.

But as the lights came up on First Class, I had to admit that I was completely and totally wrong in my impressions. This is the best X-Men film since X2. I would say it was better than the first film, and so much better than the third that it scarcely bears mentioning. Far from feeling like a heartless money grab, the film is loaded with heart, and it's got a great central story at that heart. It's clear the film makers wanted to tell the story of the friendship of Magneto and Professor X and how it collapsed.  And it was also clear that they had a very interesting way to approach it. The brave thing about the film was that they did something that I often think needs to be done more often in adaptations; they didn't let the source material get in the way of a good movie.

MacAvoy as Charles Xavier and Fassbender  as Eric Lensherr

It's a fine line between being faithful and respectful of the source material and being a slave to it. Continuity is one of those classic double-edged swords, especially in comics. It gives the characters and concepts heft, but it can also straight-jacket options for story-tellers. the fact that the film makers here chose to not allow past continuity to limit what they wanted to do makes for a movie that is both more surprising and more enjoyable.

Fox clearly would like this film to be the launching pad for more X-Men films, and I have no problem with that at all. James MacAvoy and Michael Fassbender are both great, with Fassbender turning in a particularly solid performance as Magneto. The kids who play the titular first class are well drawn, with special kudos going to Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique. Kevin Bacon makes a good villain, with a motivation that makes sense, and a power set that while not quite like the Sebastian Shaw of the comics, does fit the story well. There are tons of great little cameos and tidbits for fans of the previous films and the comics, but another way the film succeeds is in not letting those treats overwhelm the story.

Matthew Vaughn, the director, does a great job, and this film is head shoulders above his last comic book film, Kick Ass. I liked his film Layer Cake, and this is more of a return to form, with a great attention to the period setting that never feels artificial, but accomplishes a lived-in tone that works.

The only let downs are some of the visual effects, which a merely workmanlike, not stunning, and the performance of January Jones, who somehow manages to make a telepathic woman who can change into a diamond form and who dresses in lingerie the whole movie completely uninteresting.

Still, I'm very glad to be proven wrong in my initial suspicions. This is a solid direction for the franchise to take, and I think it means that the future for the X-brand is considerably more assured.

UPDATED - Trailer for "Dragon Tattoo" Hits The Interwebs

Okay, so obviously I took most of this month off, but I think now I'm ready to resume transmissions. Amd I will do so with a very cool video. I don't know how long this will stay up on the World Wide Webs, but here's the first teaser for David Fincher's adaptation of the mega-hit novel The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. The trailer is only playing in Europe right now, but the American version is expected to hit theatres next week.

UPDATE: So, the version I originally posted was completely unauthorized, which you could guess from how it was from footage of someone pointing a camcorder at a movie screen. Go figure. Here's the actual trailer, though it isn't a red band one. That one is gone, daddy, gone. Still a very good trailer.




How awesome is that? I love the music (Karen O from Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails covering Led Zeppelin), I love the cast, and David Fincher is an incredible director. I even love the tagline. Looking forward to this one.