Write Fan Fic? Amazon Wants to Help You Get Paid, Dawg

Yeah, you can't unsee this.

So, yeah, first off, let's get something out of the way here. I've written fan fic. I'm not proud of it, I didn't write very much, and it was a long time ago. If you know anything about me, you'll probably know what it was for. That's right, The Waltons. You can't know the thrill I got typing the words, "Goodnight, John Boy."

Up until recently, fan fic was the absolute literary gutter, just slightly above its more disreputable cousin, slash fic. The good fan fic was written by people that were talented writers, but fan fic really led nowhere, so one got the sense they were wasting their time. All the other kinds of fan fic are basically fan wank. That's where you get all that Star Wars meets Star Trek fan fic. Or Doctor Who meets The Dukes of Hazzard, etc.

But now, Amazon is taking things to the next level. They just announced Kindle Worlds, "a place for you to publish fan fiction inspired by popular books, shows, movies, comics, music, and games." Basically, they're starting a platform where people will be able to write fan fiction, submit it to Amazon, who will offer it for sale. They've gotten the license for properties owned by Warner Bros. Television Group's Alloy Entertainment. They produce shows like Gossip Girl, Pretty Little Liars and The Vampire Diaries. I'm thinking that last one will get the bulk of the submissions, all of them dealing with suppressed sexual desire and intense longing stares. The brooding. Oh, the brooding.

"Shutter" gets the Shaft

This may be old news for some, but a few days ago, Paramount announced that it will pushing back the release of the highly anticipated Martin Scorsese film Shutter Island. The film will no longer open Oct. 2nd of this year, but will now bow in February, 2010.

The studio is blaming fourth quarter financial woes for the move, and have stressed that it has nothing to do with the film itself, which has strong buzz and had received some early praise in test screenings. The move does mean that Paramount has no other high-profile film opening this fall until December, which sees Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones open. The studio has encountered this problem before, blaming financial concerns when they rescheduled The Soloist and Defiance last year. Neither film enjoyed critical or box office success as a result. Ironically, that decision was made to ostensibly free up marketing dollars for, among other films, Revolutionary Road, a DiCaprio film that did not fare well with the box office or during awards season.

So now they move Shutter Island from the fall, where it's got a chance to open strong and pick up some award buzz, to February. February. What was the last film that opened in February that picked up a bunch of awards? Can't recall? That's because February is a trash month for movies. A lot of studios dump their stuff then, saving their blockbusters for spring/summer and their Oscar bait for fall/winter.

Some are saying this is being done to make room for Up in the Air, the Jason Reitman directed, George Clooney starring film that doesn't have a solid release date as of yet, but is garnering buzz. shows how connected I am, this movie wasn't even on my radar.

Personally, I think it's a bad move. It dumps on two big players in Hollywood, and Scorsese has said that if this hurts the picture, he may reconsider ever working with Paramount again. DiCaprio has to be pissed off, too. If Up in the Air or The Lovely Bones (which is a far riskier film) tanks, then they'll have nothing for awards season.

So, this means that yet another film I put in a list of fall movies I am looking forward to is not coming out this fall. Maybe I'm bad juju.

We Have All Lost Our Minds

Example One

Okay, I'm going to direct you to a recent news story to come out of Toronto. Click here to read it.

Done? Okay. What....the...fuck?

Seriously, I'm becoming more and more convinced that, as a society, we have lost our fucking minds. I've read that article a few times, and I'm still stunned. Basically a principal of a school pulled one of the classics of 20th Century literature because one parent (one) objected to a racial epithet spouted in the book. To Kill A Mockingbird. One of the greatest pleas for racial equality ever written. I'll simplify it for you; the book is about how racism is bad. This ain't Merchant of Venice, which I'll admit is questionable in its racist overtones. This is like censoring a speech by Martin Luther King.

And since when does one parent make a decision regarding the curriculum of an entire school? When that parent came in and made that demand the principal should have tossed a copy of the novel at them, told them to read it and then to come back a write a fucking book report. Christ, I'd settle for them renting the fucking movie.

"Holy shit, it's Robert Duvall!" is not the only realization you should come to.

This comes on the heels of an ever-increasing stack of evidence that we, as a species, may be, in scientific terms, batshit insane. What evidence you may ask?

Example Two

Well, take a look at the debate that currently rages over health care in the U.S. and you will be treated to the most self-destructive and nonsensical rhetoric outside of a Twilight fan forum run by teenaged cutters.

Look, to be honest, I'm not sure there is a perfect health care system. I live in Canada and there are certainly problems here, even with our highly touted system. First off, the system seems to require more and more funds just to operate every year. It's incredibly expensive, and that cost comes from the taxpayers. Secondly, there are some wait times for non-emergency or non-life threatening care. But if you ask the average Canadian if they'd rather have the health care system they currently have or the system the U.S. currently has (or rather, doesn't have) pretty much every single Canadian would look at you with stark terror in their eyes, slap your face and insist you gag yourself for uttering such crazy-ass bullshit.

I'm not sure that Obama's plan is the perfect one. But when you live in the only country in the developed world that allows its citizens to be financially ruined over health care, surely any sort of plan that helps prevent that is better than what you have? If it's socialism that's bugging you, let me tell you this; you've got public education, you've got public works projects, you've got medicare and welfare and government funded armed forces. Government run health care is no different. And to everyone concerned about the private health care industry, well, I think they've made it abundantly clear over the last few decades that they ain't concerned about you.

Recently, at Cracked.com, Chris Bucholz wrote a very funny satirical piece entitled How Socialized Health Care Works in Canada. Now, it was a comedic piece, and it highlighted how the fear mongering being done by some people in the States regarding our system was insane, and it did so well. But like all things on the interwebs, it made the unfortunate mistake of asking comments from the public without fully realizing that the public are, by and large, out of their goddamned gourds.

Like this one:

True, such a system would provide health care to the millions of people who can’t afford it. And yes, It would probably help lots of old people live even longer. But this brings up a very important question: Why should I care about them? Survival of the fittest. I’m not rich, and honestly I can’t afford health care. But it seems unfair for someone who has worked hard to get the money they have now to have to pay for me to go to the doctor. Besides, Americans would go apeshit if taxes went up.

This guy is a proponent of some sort of Mad Max-type solution where only the strong survive, and the everyone else can,well, die, I guess. Now, I'm used to this conservative view of "help no one but yourself" but note how this guy admits HE CAN'T AFFORD HEALTH CARE. It's a new level of fucked-up-ness to prefer a system whereby you suffer over a system whereby you don't.

Then there's this champ:

It’s very simple. If you want health care get off your dead ass and get a job. I work hard, I have insurance, I shouldn't have to pay for health care for some low-life dead beat who is too lazy or stupid to get a decent job.

Let's leave behind the fact that there are people in the States who have health insurance but get their claims denied all the time, or leave behind the insurance industry practice of approving someone for health insurance, collecting premiums and then, when you file a claim, looking for any evidence to retroactively deny your coverage. Awesome system, let's keep that.

I mean, I know we are all resigned to the fact that there are two certainties in life; death and taxes. But I've never heard of a nation of people choosing death over taxes. And that's crazy.

How could this movie be anything less than awesome?

Okay, here is a link to a movie that is absolutely certain to be filled to the brim with awesome. It is called Samurai Zombie.





Ahhhhh, Asia. I love how only your film industry can combine samurai, zombies, Pulp Fiction-like gunplay, anime, ridiculous violence and cosplay into a plot that will undoubtedly make no sense and yet still shake the pillars of heaven and hell with its sheer balls-to-the-wall awesomeness.

I'm pretty sure I enjoyed "Synecdoche, New York"...

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure that Synecdoche, New York was a brilliant movie. At least, what I understood, I liked, but there was a whole lot of the movie that reminded me of taking mind-altering chemicals. Not in a trippy way, but in the way that, while on drugs, even the most ordinary of things take on the quality of the surreal.

First off, the acting was universally amazing, starting with Philip Seymour Hoffman, who is just fucking great in this role. He anchors the film with his deeply flawed but deeply human Caden Cotard. I recognized people I know personally in him, and even saw myself there. I felt for the guy, even when he behaved in a pretty horrible manner. Hoffman is one of the few "great actors" that is not overrated.

Secondly, the huge amount of great roles for women was pretty awesome. I won't list how many amazing actresses were in this thing, but it was pretty incredible, and they all do great work. Special shout-outs must go to Samantha Morton (who is criminally underrated, actually) and Emily Watson.

What I liked about it where the qualities I understood. The interconnectedness of humanity; the way that one person is everyone. The overarching theme of accepting that we all will someday die, and coming to terms with the fact that from the day we're born, we're dying. The way that human relationships can lead to disappointment and regret.

But there's so much going on here, so many surreal touches and narrative twists, that it all begins to feel like there's simply too much going on to absorb. By the end of the film, I was convinced that it was the work of a genius, but a genius in need of guidance. There are a lot of elements that could have been cut from the film, not because they're bad per se, but because they simply cram too much into the piece and take the whole film off point, causing it to meander and feel unfocused.

Still, it's nice to have the complaint that a film tries to be too rich and complex and innovative. What a contrast to the empty, facile, vapid experiences films all too often offer up. I'm going to watch this film again, and maybe it will come together for me more. I hope so. It's a film that I really think is almost a masterpiece.

Image Search : "Horrible Album Covers"

Here's a feature I haven't done in a while. Hope you enjoy some of the results that pop up when I type "horrible album covers" into Google Image Search.

Where are you now, Devastatin' Dave, a man so bad he has no use for "g"s on the end of words? Have you been emancipated as a turntable slave? Will your crotch still electrocute people?

What happens to defrocked Catholic priests? Well, some of them get record deals.

Sweet Jesus, how did this get by the A&R guy?

This is why I'm an atheist. They say that we're all made in God's image, but I refuse to believe he'd dress like this. The women are apparently dressed in what my mother used to line her kitchen shelves in 1975. Whenever I see an insanely wholesome Christian act like The Simmons family, I prefer to imagine that they actually live a Charles Bukowski/Brett Easton Ellis type of life, doing blow of stripper's asses and drinking Jim Beam straight from the bottle.

What's more disturbing: the frozen look of placidity on everyone's face, their Herb Tarlek wardrobe, or the fact that apparently, only one of these kids is God's child? Do they know which one it is, or do they all have to compete for the holiest position in some sort of Christian version of America's Next Top Model? Because if you ain't God's child, you know what you are? That's right; Satan's Bastard.

And we finally know where Dustin Hoffman got the inspiration for Tootsie.

Image Search : "Inappropriate Halloween Costumes"

I haven't done this particular feature in a while, but with Halloween fast approaching, I thought I would treat you guys to some of the images that pop up when you enter the phrase "Inappropriate Halloween Costumes" into Google Image.

"My Daddy has two things; a questionable sense of humour and an FBI file!"

"I'm for State's Rights! And Slaves! Loads and loads of slaves!"

"You know who else hates sippy-cups? The Jews."

It's a trifecta of bad choices here. I'm not sure where to start. But I love how the dude on the right is all like, "Score! My costume is merely indecipherable! It's not wildly inappropriate for the office! Unless someone opens my purple furry robe..............Open it."

Iron Man 2: Howard out, Cheadle in

According to a report issued by Hollywood Reporter, Don Cheadle will replace Terrence Howard as Jim Rhodes in the sequel to Iron Man.

Details seem to be rather sketchy, but here's the reasoning according to the article:

Marvel had no comment, but sources close to the deal said negotiations with Howard fell through over financial differences, among other reasons. Marvel, which had wanted to work with Cheadle, then decided to take the role in another direction and approached the actor...

So, first off, I've got to say, I don't really care. While Terrence Howard is a good actor, and was good in the role, Cheadle is just as good an actor and won't be bad either. I was reading on a number of other websites some comments that this will in some way mess with continuity or ruin the chemistry or other nonsense. Sorry, Howard's role ain't that important, and he wasn't that good. If Robert Downey Jr. refused to come back, then they're screwed. Replacing a good actor in a minor role with another good actor? Not such a big deal.

Having said all that, you have to wonder what exactly went down here. I mean, you would think Marvel locked down the main cast to a multi-pic deal, right? Well, as Iron Man was the first film made by the studio, it's possible that they just locked down Downey and that's it. So, they had renegotiate for sequels, and either Marvel went super-cheap and Howard walked, or Howard went nutty with the demands and they both walked.

So, who's the loser here? Well, Marvel probably would have liked to keep the original cast intact, as they seemed to work so well this time, but Rhodes, even with the whole War Machine thing, is not the star of the film. At the end of the day, this was and is Downey's show. Howard is an Oscar nominated actor, yes, but his career hasn't exactly taken off. Until Iron Man, anyway. My feeling is that he asked for too much money, too much focus in the script, or too much profit participation, and Marvel turned him down. I mean, they're not Paramount, they're a brand new studio with one big hit behind them, and they can't afford to give away the store. Which makes Howard the loser, because he needed this high-profile gig more than they needed him.

Too bad, too, because I liked him as Rhodey. But Cheadle? Man, he could be kick-ass.

Download the Doctor.....if you're American.

As reported on Wired.com, Doctor Who is now available through iTunes. The new series has been available for download for some time now, but BBC is now adding several classic serials from the 60s, 70s and 80s for fans to pay for (when previously, they stole them for free......as stealing implies).

Yes, the downloads cost $1.99 US, but the quality of these classic serials, some of which are not released on DVD, will undoubtedly be better than bootleg downloads out there on the interwebs.

The downside......Canadian iTunes apparently does NOT have them available. So, yeah, fuck you Apple. See, this irritates the piss out of me. I tried to watch some of the streaming episodes of the remastered Star Trek episodes on CBS.com, but it's not available in Canada. Hey, we're not Algiers here. We get the same fricking TV as you! Why are we excluded from your interwebs? This only reinforces the peoples' desire to remain pirates. That and the eyepatches.

It's either the fault of some dopey US legislation, or the fault of some retarded Candadian law. Either way. Boo, iTunes. Booo.

First pic of Gyllenhaal as Dude of Persia

Okay, the first pic of Jake Gyllenhaal as the titular Prince of Persia is out.....and.........let's just say it's neither princely nor Persian.





Okay, first off, when you've got an established property like Prince of Persia, you'd think you could cast a guy who's within hooting distance of being Persian? Jake somehow manages to combine the qualities of a Venice beach surfer...

...with Captain Caveman

Ironically, the surfer dude I posted looks more Persian than Jake will ever look.

Hey, Emmy's, Are You Kidding Me?

Okay, so the Emmy Nominations came out today.

Now, I am aware that the nominating committee for the Emmy's are roughly analogous to the Oscar folks; namely old as the hills. But still, you think they could pull their collective heads out of their collective rectums and get with the program just once.

The Wire is not nominated for best drama series.

Okay, okay, it's not everyone's cup of tea, I get it, but how many "best of" lists does a TV show have to be on before the body responsible for recognizing excellence in TV gets their shit together and recognizes some gee-dee excellence?

The nominees in this category are:

Boston Legal
Damages
Dexter
House
Lost
Mad Men

All good, worthy choices. But wait; Boston Legal? Boston Legal? No one I know watches that show. You know why? Because if you've seen any other David Kelly show from Picket Fences forward, you've seen that exact show over and over.

Now, I'm not saying The Wire has to win. But over five seasons, it has been acclaimed as an absolute masterpiece. It's a complex, rich, satisfying, mesmerizing drama that superbly examines urban life in America like no other show ever has. This is not just my opinion. It's been on countless top ten lists over its five year run.

So, maybe a shout out, one time, would be nice. If we don't recognize and reward challenging, quality shows, why should anyone make them?

Don't even get me started on Battlestar Galactica.