Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Okay, I'm throwing an open warning out there to everyone going to Star Trek this weekend. I will be going to see the film, and I'm begging you guys, shut the fuck up, kay?

Seriously, this talking during the movie thing is getting out of hand. How hard is it to shut your talk-hole for 90 minutes? And I'm not talking about leaning over to your buddy and whispering "awesome" when something awesome occurs. I'm not talking about random comments. I'm talking about full on, in depth discussions of the plot.

I went and saw State of Play recently, and the two guys behind me talked ALL THE TIME. It took me a minute to realize that it was, in fact, only one guy talking. You know what he was doing? Yeah, he was translating the movie. The other guy spoke no English. You know what? If you can't speak English, you can't go see movies in English. That's it. I'm not going to go see a Japanese movie without subtitles. You know why? Cause I don't speak Japanese. I wouldn't ask a Japanese buddy to come with me and translate the whole thing 'cause that's pretty fucking distracting wouldn't you say?

Another thing. Put your cell phones away. Unless you're a doctor on a transplant team, you do not need to be constantly in touch with people. And it's not just the noise of you talking, it's also that your screen lights up with the power of a thousand suns every time you check to see if someone texted you in the last thirty seconds. Hey, tween, you can wait a couple hours to find out who blew who on Gossip Girl last night (odds are it was Serena. Slut).

Here's an extreme example; a couple years ago, Scofe and I went to see 3:10 to Yuma. A couple seats down from us were a guy and his girl. From the opening credits and through every single scene, she kept asking him to fill her in on what was going on. He had to explain every single scene. After a few minutes we started with the annoyed looks and the coughs, hoping this would politely get the message across (we ARE Canucks, after all). Finally, we resorted to a polite, yet forceful, "Shh". At which point she and the guy got all up in our grills, saying that they could talk through the whole movie if they wanted and who did we think we were and that it was perfectly fine to chatter away. She insisted he get the manager and get us kicked out. He left but came back without the manager, who I'm guessing laughed in his face and suggested he sit down and shut the eff up.

My point is that if you can't follow the plot of 3:10 to Yuma, you are too stupid to go to the movies. You need to go home and find a less challenging form of entertainment, like watching two other people play Pong. That's about the level you're good for.

So, I know a lot of people will be going to see the Trek this weekend. I'm just asking, for everyone's enjoyment, keep your shit to yourself for two hours. Unless you just want to say, "Awesome!" That's okay.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Pong! hilarious.