Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I Could Give a S#*t About Twilight

I read the newspaper every day, and I flip onto Google News a few times a day as well. And every single day, I see another article about Twilight, the kids in Twilight who may or may not be fucking or holding hands or touching pee-pees or something, or how that British kid in Twilight is about thirty seconds away from being devoured by a pack of wild, roaming tweens.

Now, it must be said, I have not read the books. I have not seen the first movie, nor do I plan on seeing the rest. Why? Well, first off, these books are, from what I've been able to decipher, neither horror nor fantasy in the genre sense, nor are they a drama. No, what these seem to be really, is the new version of the Harlequin romance series. The series is apparently the literary equivalent of dry-humping, and if I wanted to re-experience that, I'd think about my own teenage years, thank you very much.

In any case, do these books and these movies seriously warrant this level of insanity? I could care less who Kirsten Stewart and Robert Pattinson are fucking, or if they're fucking each other, and I'm more than a little pissed off that I even know their fucking names. They should exist for me only as Unwashed Douchey Guy and One Expression Girl. But, due to their ubiquity, when I do think about them, I think that if I were their age and single, with their level of fame and with everyone wanting them, I would fuck as many people as humanly possible.

And as for the pack of wild tweens (and their moms!) who seem intent on tearing off a piece of Pattinson's flesh to cram into their hope chest, you might need electroshock. He's just an actor! He's not the Beatles, for the love of Ringo! He's a guy that is pretty and played a character that is hundreds of years old and yet still chases jailbait for four novels.

Just stop forcing to me read up on this shit. I survived high school already, kay?

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