China: Masters of Knock-offs

Over at Fork Party, they recently put up some photos of Chinese toy knock-offs that skirt the whole copyright/getting sued issue by being so brain-bustingly bizarre as to defy description. Here are some of the best:

Okay, I was not aware that James Spader fought crime, but actually, this explains a lot.

I imagine this is Superman's mentally challenged cousin.

Think about all the more exciting names you could have come up with. Science-cop. Cyber-cop. Kill Machine. Fuck, anything. But, no, let's get absurdly specific and go with Robert Cop.

This toy was made out of the odds and ends at the saddest toy factory EVER.

And, just for fun, here are some knock-offs from around the interwebs:

Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Slade!!....You're reasonably close.

Look at that sad blonde wig. I guess Bat-Transvestite wouldn't have fit on the label.

RU-fucking kidding me?

We Now Resume Transmission with an Image Search!

So, yeah, took a little break there. Sorry about that. The Nerdlinger household moved from one part of town to another. We are now fully ensconced in suburbia in our first full-fledged home. That's right, some lender was fool enough to give us a mortgage! Suckers.



So, I return to this blogging thing with another edition of the random image search feature, where I plug a phrase into an image search engine and show you the best (or oddest) results. Today, we're going with "hilarious comic book panel". Enjoy!

I'm going to suggest that any guy who spends over fifty years unable to choose between two women and most likely remaining a virgin while doing so probably enjoys beating off guys anyway. Seriously, he's deeper in the closet than Kevin Spacey.

Okay, so maybe Fredric Wertham had a point.

Look at the costume he's picked for you, Dick, his heart's definitely into it. Seriously, they wore that sort of thing at Studio 54.

Christ. What was going on over at DC during the 1940s and 50s?

You know, somehow, this kind of behavior doesn't surprise me coming from Lois Lane. It's also nice to see that not all strange comic book panels come from Batman comics...

Spoke too soon, didn't I?

The Nerd Report Gallery - Fake Criterion Covers

Hello, all,

For our second installment in our virtual gallery, I've turned to a project going on at different places on the interwebs. A lot of film forum sites have threads that showcase homemade covers for the Criterion Collection. It's pretty much agreed on that Criterion has long held the crown when it comes to consistently amazing package design (Mrs. Nerdlinger, a graphic designer, has heartily concurred on several occasions). The packages that follow are all from The Auteurs website (which, if you're a film buff, is a snooty but awesome site). Enjoy.

An underrated movie, IMO. Nice, moody work.

This cover is so appropriate, but only if you've seen the film. Still, it's great and I literally could see this being their actual release should they ever do it.

This one is not as polished as the previous ones, but there's something about it I really like.

A nice clean design, but it's a little too evocative of Criterion's recent Truffaut boxed set. Still, really well done.

Not a movie for everyone, definitely, and this isn't the best cover, but I'm so awed by Damian Lewis' performance in the flick; I think it's one of the best film performances of the last ten years.

Once again, this design is so perfect for the film, if you've seen it. To be honest, why hasn't Criterion released this?It's right up their alley.

It's weird how many people really love this film. It's a film that not only failed at the box office, but it was openly despised in a lot of reviews. Watching it now, it's just so damn good. The performances, the mood, the rampant paranoia, all of it is masterfully done. It's still a horror flick, but it's one of those horror flicks that has grown beyond the genre. And it's a really pretty cover for such an ugly, downbeat film.

The Nerd Report Gallery - Awesome Insanity

Today I'm launching yet another new recurring feature I've dubbed the Nerd Report Gallery, a virtual collection of film posters throughout the history of film. We're opening with a selection of posters that are so bizarre, cheesy or otherwise insane that they reach the level of awesome.

Let's begin with this:

The levels of awesome are literally radiating from this poster. How do you turn a culture-swiping, white-trash, kung-fu enthusiast and horse tranquilizer addict into a legendary figure? Well, first off, they become the fucking King of Rock n' Roll. Next off, they get a white jumpsuit. Then, they get this poster. Mission accomplished.

"So, yeah, baby, I live downtown, we can just hop in a cab and......oh, they're turning the ugly lights on, right? Ha-ha - SWEET JESUS, YOU'RE A FUCKING LIZARD!"

I can't read Russian, and therefore have no clue what this movie is about, but if the scene depicted here is in the movie, it may the greatest film ever made.

The title. That picture of John Wayne; is that lipstick? Too.......many........double.......entendres. And I don't know why the title would have been less funny if it had been "Ride 'Em Cowboy" but it would have. There's something so insistent about the "Ride Him Cowboy".

Seriously - look at that poster. Do you not want to see this movie right now? Space Vampires? The Millenium Falcon? Horny, probably naked teenagers? I don't even have a joke to make, this is just incredible.

What the fuck.

Image Search: "The Shat"

Yet another feature I haven't gone back to in a while, but I thought it might be fun to revisit. You know, Leonard Nimoy been's getting all the love lately. He's soon to be onscreen in Star Trek, returning to his iconic role. He's been cast in Fringe as a creepy scientist guy. Now, it's being reported that Michael Bay wants him to voice one of the Transformers in the sequel coming up this summer.

Are we all forgetting who the true Star Trek icon is? I'm talking, of course, of the Shat. So, to honour Canada's greatest living actor (suck it, Christopher Plummer), I commenced a search of some iconic images. Here's a sample of the best:

That's right, bitches, you think the Shat was only big for the Trek and Boston Legal? You're forgetting his role as the toughest of car hood hugging beat cops, TJ Hooker. This leads to a fantastic question: Who would win in a fight, Hooker or Kirk? I think we all know who would nail Heather Locklear first. As for Adrian Zmed, we all know which Star Trek crewmember would nail him first. I'm looking at you George Takei.


I like to think of this as the Shat's Vegas period. You know, at this point, he'd probably sign a contract to a six month gig at the Sands, delighting countless dozens with his truly bizarre renditions of Mr. Tambourine Man and Rocket Man, then closing by recommending people hit the buffet and try the shrimp cocktail.


Jesus, did the Shat stoop so low as to appear on Match Game, or something? Uncomfortably sandwiched between Jamie Farr and Charles Nelson Reilly thinking, "Just you wait. When Lorne Greene dies, I'll be Canada's greatest living actor, and then you can all suck my balls. Stop mentioning Christopher Plummer, seriously".


Plummmmmmmmmmmmmmmerrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!


Without any hyperbole, this might be the greatest photo in existence.


Yep, so while Nimoy may be getting all the press right now, he couldn't possibly have anything to match the above photos, could he? Could he?

Image Search : "Horrible Album Covers"

Here's a feature I haven't done in a while. Hope you enjoy some of the results that pop up when I type "horrible album covers" into Google Image Search.

Where are you now, Devastatin' Dave, a man so bad he has no use for "g"s on the end of words? Have you been emancipated as a turntable slave? Will your crotch still electrocute people?

What happens to defrocked Catholic priests? Well, some of them get record deals.

Sweet Jesus, how did this get by the A&R guy?

This is why I'm an atheist. They say that we're all made in God's image, but I refuse to believe he'd dress like this. The women are apparently dressed in what my mother used to line her kitchen shelves in 1975. Whenever I see an insanely wholesome Christian act like The Simmons family, I prefer to imagine that they actually live a Charles Bukowski/Brett Easton Ellis type of life, doing blow of stripper's asses and drinking Jim Beam straight from the bottle.

What's more disturbing: the frozen look of placidity on everyone's face, their Herb Tarlek wardrobe, or the fact that apparently, only one of these kids is God's child? Do they know which one it is, or do they all have to compete for the holiest position in some sort of Christian version of America's Next Top Model? Because if you ain't God's child, you know what you are? That's right; Satan's Bastard.

And we finally know where Dustin Hoffman got the inspiration for Tootsie.

Image Search : "Inappropriate Halloween Costumes"

I haven't done this particular feature in a while, but with Halloween fast approaching, I thought I would treat you guys to some of the images that pop up when you enter the phrase "Inappropriate Halloween Costumes" into Google Image.

"My Daddy has two things; a questionable sense of humour and an FBI file!"

"I'm for State's Rights! And Slaves! Loads and loads of slaves!"

"You know who else hates sippy-cups? The Jews."

It's a trifecta of bad choices here. I'm not sure where to start. But I love how the dude on the right is all like, "Score! My costume is merely indecipherable! It's not wildly inappropriate for the office! Unless someone opens my purple furry robe..............Open it."

Image Search: Robots of the 50s

Yet another in my series the results of random Google image searches. Today's phrase was Robots of the 50s, so be prepared for cool looking robos accompanied by my irrational suspicion of all things robotic.

Here's the results:

Awesome. Just awesome. This succeeds in being nostalgic and fetishistic all at the same time. Granted, a real-life robot would probably be coldly calculating whether or not to serve the pretty female.....or destroy her.

Look, I know robots are designed to be physically stonger than us, but there's no need to make them anatomically superior to man as well! And seriously, does the thing need to be rocket powered? Oh......wait....he's supposed to be in a rocketcar? Ohhhhhhhhh. 'Cause it looks like that's his....okay, moving on.

While these may be the most simplistic robot costumes ever built (they're made of cardboard, for the love of Mike), they are so retro awesome I had to include them. They remind me of the Ghostbusters proton pack my dad made for me one Halloween that was comprised of an empty Old Dutch potato chips box, some yellow nylon rope, a cardboard tube and lots of black electrical tape. I loved that thing.

Nuclear power is our friend, kiddies! Duck and cover!

That's right! Robots are evil! And they need Las Vegas showgirls! It's in Revelations, people!

Image Search: 1980s monsters

Yet another selection of the results from Random Google Image searches.

How awesome is it that this is the first result?

"Wolfman's got nards!"

I have no idea what this movie may be about, but I'm thinking that if your movie features 100 monsters, do you really want to single out "Cocktail Umbrella Monster" as the star of your promo material?

I could have gone my whole life without seeing the phrase "Boogeyman's Bulge", couldn't you?